Earlier today, I received an email from Dad about another wonder by Mr. Patrick Obahiagbon — former speaker for the House of Representatives — popularly known for his voracious use of words. This time, he was reacting to the removal of oil subsidy by the government on petroleum products in Nigeria. From what I could pick out — without a dictionary — the dude is pissed. He does not like and does not stand with the motion. He said, and I unadulteratedly quote…“I have read with acatalectic disgust, governments asinine and puerile ratiocinations attempting to justiceate the proposed removal of subsidies from petroleum products. It has asseverated that it’s intentions is guided by the need to checkmate the odoriferous excesses of a machiavellian and mephistophelean cabal. And I have said to myself, …What a shame? What a self indicting admittal of the failure of governance? What an hocus-pocus? What an anathematous disdain for it’s citizenry? Must the people now bear the brunt for governments ineptitude, inefficiency and pusillanimity in squaring up with these economic philistines and fat cows? I feel even more nauseated and vexed that the Governors Forum has posthaste conferred an apocalyptic imprimatur on this genie. Let’s not forget that majority of these same Governors had earlier called for this state of affairs as a condition sine qua non for paying the minimum wage. What an opprobrium? What a deprecable descent from the sublime to the ridiculous!” — Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon
And yes, there were some red underlines after I typed. Fed up with the ishma bishma of his linguistic conquests, I consulted my dictionary to further understand this speech. Breaking down every complex word, this is what I came up with this: “I have read all the syllables of disgust of government’s extremely foolish and childishly silly and trivial judgements by process of reasoning; attempting to justiceate — which I think he meant justify — the proposed removal of subsidies from petroleum products. It has solemnly and emphatically declared that its intentions are guided by the need to checkmate the distinct unpleasant excess of a cunning, scheming and dishonest and evil secret political cliques. And I have said to myself, …What a shame. What a self formal critical accusation admittal of the failure of governance. What a meaningless talk. What a disgusting and repulsive feeling that its citizens are unworthy of consideration and respect. Must the people now bear the chief impact of government’s lack of skill, inefficiency and lack of courage and determination in squaring up with these economic Philistines and fat cows? (I didn’t know the Palestinians ran the Nigerian economy …awkward). I feel even more sick and vexed that the Governors’ Forum has, with great speed or immediacy conferred an apocalyptic official license usually given by the Roman Catholic Church to print an ecclesiastical or religious book on this spirit of Arabian folklore. Let’s not forget that majority of these same governors had earlier called for this state of affairs as a condition essential and indispensable for paying the minimum wage. What a harsh criticism? What a deprecable descent from the sublime to the ridiculous!” — Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon. It was interesting, to say the least, doing this translation from “near gibberish” to “commonplace english”. We can see that the man sure is learned but sometimes makes up his own words, mistakes and grammatical blunders. A great philosopher once said, “No genius has ever existed without a touch of madness”. Well, with this genius, you can see it in his madness of thinking the government will hurriedly issue a license usually given by the Roman Catholic Church to print a book on a spirit of Arabic folklore.