Santa Claus

What does Santa Claus do from Christmas morning to the morning of Christmas Eve the following year? According to children mythology, this dude comes around every Christmas Eve to drop gifts – bought by their parents – under the Christmas tree.

Parents that go with the myth are so dumb: you work your face off all year, support your family by winning that bread, get the gift your baby always wanted and you give the credit to a beer-belly man who happens to fit into all chimney sizes? Wow. How then do you expect your baby to respect you when everything she ever so dearly wanted was given to her by Santa.

Talking about Santa, what does he do in the summer time? You clearly can’t rock a white beard with a beer-belly on the beach talking ’bout “ho ho ho”. A slap followed by “Who you calling a ho?!” is most likely. Lord save him if there’s some religious no-nonsense young lady out there trying to get some tan. He can’t just watch TV with a bag of chips all year long and only come out once a year either. Well that may explain his size but how do you explain the one-size-fits-all chimney stunt?

Kids, if you are reading this, Santa is not real. He’s just one imaginary friend your parent force you to keep.

And all movies that try to have a Santa character get it wrong.

  • Just cos Santa is an old caucasian does not mean he drives trucks. Rudolph will be pissed.
  • Elfs are not midgets. Why the huge heads?
  • The only word Santa knows is ‘ho’. Stop trying to make the dude look like an English major.

The Jewish Hammer is the only movie with some comic attribute to it.

But kids are getting smarter though. Kids of this 21st century will not take anything for face value. Santa, if you’re reading this, you have to step your game up else your business will go under real soon.


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