How to Tame Animals

First of all, I should start this with a disclaimer, “I am no professional. This routine I am about to debrief you on happened thrice in two days; apparently my method of dealing with the situation held through. Finally and most importantly, do not try this at home.”

Now we have that out of the way, I will be telling you the final story that happened on Tuesday this week—that was yesterday! Holy Smokes! And I thought a week had gone by. It all started, with a cool dude—me. Far far away from his motherland, in a freezer of a country talking about “I gasta gets my edumacation”. This cool dude happens to be an underground football star. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is football; not run-fast-enough-or-get-a-flying-hug ball. European football.

During the winter time as such, the astroturf is covered up to provide some warmth for the hardcore football players. On this day, the astroturf seemed smooth as ever, shimmering in it’s luscious green base and white lines. It was pick-up so I formed a team: two Asians – one of them a taekwondo double black belt, a German who lived in china all his life, an Argentine Jew, a Mexican and obviously, I am…check my gravatar. Now, during one of the pickups, an Arab hurt my team mate and you know…”a knee for a knee”, says Equilibrium. This is where I met the animal – the third one if you were following.

In pain he writhed on the ground for about 25 seconds—usual injury time. I walked up to him, told him what Equilibrium said, wished him a speedy recovery and headed back to team. “OFF THE FIELD!!!”, he yelled, “meet me outside”. I thought to myself, “Holy Hitler, it can speak!”. Not responding to his offer, the animal in him overrode logic and he came charging at me. Now ladies and gentlemen, I wish to let you know that there was security, and Lord knows how this creature slipped though undetected. It was a long run towards me, team had alerted me he was coming so I took stance; got ready for the taming procedure I learnt from my previous two experiences.

  1. Feet together and upright, stand firm. Shoulders broad if you’re male, hips wide if you are female.
  2. Staring deep into its eyes, mimic every gesture its face produces.
  3. The run will slowly come to a stop with some hard stare into your eyes waiting for you to bulge or buckle.
  4. Still maintaining a locked gaze, walk in a circle around the animal who should twist on the spot following your gaze.

And that’s it. You can do whatsoever you please. I must mention though, ladies and gentlemen, if you get afraid, you’ve already failed. Resort to other brute means.

It hurts to say the first two animals were dogs. Jesus preaches peace—so does Allah—and this is what you should have in your mind while attempting this routine; especially when you are dealing with one of Allah’s



3 thoughts on “How to Tame Animals

  1. AuditiO says:

    I specially enjoyed your description of the “other” football =D But I kinda got lost at the “third animal” part :-s Who was the second one?

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