World Cup Rules

Dear Wife/Sweet Heart/Girlfriend . . . to whom it may concern,

  1. Between June 11th and July 11th 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspapers so you are aware of what is going on the the World of Soccer, and that you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or totally ignored. DO NOT complain about getting no attention.
  2. During the World Cup, the televiion is mine at all times; no exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
  3. If you have to pass across the TV during a game, I do not mind; as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
  4. During the games, i will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor…It won’t happen.
  5. It would be a good idea to keep at least 2 six-pack in the fridge at all times, including plenty of things to nibble on; and please do not make funny faces at my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 10p.m. and 3a.m., unless they replay a good game I missed earlier in the day.
  6. Please, please, PLEASE!!! If you must upset me because one of my teams is losing, do not say “get over it, it’s only a game” or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. if you say those things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never know more about football than me so your so-called “words of encouragement” will only lead up to a breakup or a divorce.
  7. You are welcome to sit with me during two games and you can talk to me during the halftime; but only when the commercials are on and the halftime scores are pleasing to me. Note. it’s two games only so don’t use the World Cup as an excuse to spend cheesy time together.
  8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have or haven’t seen them. I want to see them again…many times over.
  9. Tell your friends not to have any babies and other child-related parties that require my attendance because:
    1. I will not go,
    2. I will not go and
    3. I will not go.
  10. But if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sinday to watch a game, we shall be there in a flash.
  11. The daily World Cup highlight shows on TV airing at evenings are as important as the matches themselves. Do not even thin of saying, “but you hav already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?” because the reply will be #2 of this list.
  12. And finally save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every four years”. i am immune to these words because before the World Cup, there are 3 – 4 seasons of the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, FA Cup, UEFA Cup; and there are rules for that too.

Thanks for your cooperation.

p.s: If you get stuck on the road, call the police, 911 or some other emergency service.

Yours loving,
Me.

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